• @FredToucher whoa, man. There's kids on Twitter. Don't say things you'll regret #
• The @RedSox in need of a player/manager? #

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@FredToucher whoa, man. There’s kids on Twitter. Don’t say things you’ll regret

The @RedSox in need of a player/manager?

• Waiver deal for Shoppach or Salty? #RedSox #
• @ryansweeney12 We've all been there, bud. My right hand is all warped and stupid looking from the same thing. Learn and do better. #

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Waiver deal for Shoppach or Salty? #RedSox

@ryansweeney12 We’ve all been there, bud. My right hand is all warped and stupid looking from the same thing. Learn and do better.

• Upon discovering the potential of Jed, S.H.I.E.L.D. was shut down and the Avengers retired to quiet lives in the suburbs #LegendofJedLowrie #
• @billmo7 w00t! Great things for this franchise in the future. #
• I triple-fried dare you to find an #Astros fan on twitter. I can get my #RedSox tweeps rockin' easily. #
• @NotESPNsTito Millsy says hi. He hates it here and misses you #
• Number 11. Tulo can suck my booster rocket #LegendofJedLowrie #Astros #
• The M's asked if the Astros would send me to M's as accrued interest for the RJ trade. NOPE, suck it, Latte City. Freddy Garcia avail! #
• @br_redsox Yeah, his shitty swing. Pay me $21M! I'm '99 A-Rob, Jeter, and Nomar rolled into a more handsome and ethnic package. LOVE ME #
• Stop talkin' 'bout your boyfriend since he is not me, stop running up my tab since these drinks are not free #HoustonAsstrollin #039; #
• If Google buys Twitter, I'll more easily be able to explain my time at the strip club and why I'm covered in "Gwitter" to the kids #
• If you see a food truck selling deep fried hashtags, that's my trillion-dollar idea stolen. #
• The only way I could get #LegendofJedLowrie trending in Houston is if I deep fried it and covered it in mayo and cheese #Astros #RedSox #
• If Jed Lowrie hits 75 in Houston (no one will notice), did Jed Lowrie hit 75 home runs? #
• @ochocinco *hugz* #
• Like "Mmmmovie". Nothing weird. #
• "Safety Not Guaranteed" opens in theaters TODAY. It is about my experience as a time traveler in the 90s. Aubrey Plaza, mmm #
• Playing in Houston is like playing on Qzarfarn XI; no one sees us on TV and out space program is bankrupt #
• @davidprice14 As a #RedSox fan, please don't learn the knuckler. #
• @ochocinco Trust me, Chad. New England is great, but greener grass elsewhere. Sandier beaches, too. #
• The kinetic energy produced by a single Jed Lowrie swing provides enough power for 1,000,000 homes #JedPower #LegendofJedLowrie #Astros #
• Did you ever know I'm an all-star. I'm everything a shortstop should be. I can hit 25 hrs. I am the lift beneath the rocket #astros #

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Upon discovering the potential of Jed, S.H.I.E.L.D. was shut down and the Avengers retired to quiet lives in the suburbs #LegendofJedLowrie

@billmo7 w00t! Great things for this franchise in the future.

I triple-fried dare you to find an #Astros fan on twitter. I can get my #RedSox tweeps rockin’ easily.